


Mr. Carter, In The Wardrobe, With A Boner

by Louffox



Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Anal Sex, Carter you idiot, Dom/sub Undertones, Good Bedroom Communication, M/M, Multi, Non-Consensual Voyeurism, Oral Sex, Orc Biology, Orgasm Delay, Smut, Trans Male Character, Trans!Barnes but not explicit, Voyeurism, it's just a bunch of couples in a small house, magic sex, this was supposed to be a short pwp warmup piece but here we are
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:33:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24589150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Louffox/pseuds/Louffox
Summary: what it says on the tin, basically.
Relationships: Commander Barnes/Howard Carter (Rusty Quill Gaming), Edward Keystone/Tjelvar Stornsnasson, Zolf Smith/Oscar Wilde
Comments: 6
Kudos: 80





	Mr. Carter, In The Wardrobe, With A Boner

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanted an excuse to make Carter have to wait and be all desperate. And Ed and Tjelvar having sweet husbands in love sex. Note that though there are 3 couples in the fic, they don't all sleep together. it's just. three sets of husbands. Timeline ambiguous.

Contrary to popular belief, Howard Carter was not an idiot.

He had survived in circumstances that would kill most folk. Even thrived, he could claim in some cases. Sure, he'd nearly died- "Nearly! Don't look at me like a fool, I'd like to see you thread that needle," he would cackle, if this was pointed out. He had nearly died, but he hadn't, and that was all that mattered. He did some things some might say were idiotic. But he wasn't an idiot.

He was smart enough-

Well.

He was not-an-idiot enough to know a Duke or Lord or Prince or whatnot when he saw it, and Edward Keystone was definitely that. And he was not-an-idiot enough to know that meant money. And that meant good stuff. Gold, silks, whiskey, finery.

He was not-an-idiot enough to be a crack hand at locks and cracking locks and-

He tested the knob and realized the door hadn't been locked in the first place. Blast.

Edwards's room was less spartan than he expected. It was tidy, but there were knickknacks laid out on the bedside table. Some bits of broken pottery, a framed photograph, an arrowhead. The dresser had some sort of hair oil, armor oil. The armor itself was hung up properly, the bed made somewhat neatly- ah. Evidence of finery already- he had an extra pillow and a few additional blankets. Nice ones. He considered these, but they would probably be missed quickly, and everyone would probably consider the sneak thief as the first suspect thief. But he filed their existence away for later- perhaps he could snag one just before Edward left.

He checked the dresser. Nothing fancy. Clothes. Some beautiful buttons. He left them. For now.

The wardrobe. More clothes. Jeez, this Edward had seemed pretty low maintenance. There were clothes enough here for at least two people.

There was a suitcase on bottom, and this he opened. Treasure? Please? it was only half a hope- stealing from someone you lived with was a great way to get in heaps of trouble. But he wanted to recon, and had been impatient to see what-

The door behind him rattled, and he threw himself into the wardrobe and slammed the doors.

Through the narrow gap in the doors- Carter's sheer experience played in here, it was the smallest gap that would be unusable as a peephole for most- he watched the door.

It took him a moment to realize what was coming in the room, as it was furred in front and had four legs and staggered half sideways through the entry. It was not a man.

It was a man and an orc, and they appeared to be attached at the mouth. And several other undulating points.

They were so thoroughly wrapped up in each other- figuratively and literally- that it took him a moment to recognize that, yes, that was Edward, and the other was that... archaeologist? What was his n-

"Tjelvar," Edward moaned, as the orc- Tjelvar, apparently- backed him right up to the bed.

Carter started to realize he might be in the wardrobe for a bit as Ed turned his head and lifted their hands, fingers laced together, and began kissing each of Tjelvar's knuckles, slowly, in a manner that could be described as reverent.

"Mind if I ride you?" Tjelvar whispered, just loud enough for the rueful wardrobe specter to hear. Unseen in the dark wardrobe, he felt his face drain of blood, and then flush shortly after. Oh, hell. The reason for the excess of clothes packed in around him became abundantly clear.

"I was gonna ask you that," Edward laughed, both his hands sliding from where they'd been pressing into the curve of his low back, down and down and cupping his ass. Tjelvar reached back and dragged them back up, and then down again- this time, under the waistline of his trousers to disappear under the fabric.

"Told you I don't need you to be such a gentleman in bed. You're so polite. I want you to take what you want," Tjelvar murmured, kissing his way along his jaw. He turned them so he was back-to the bed.

Carter very carefully kept his breathing slow and quiet. He felt like he couldn't get enough air. Was the wardrobe- no, he had plenty of air in here, it wasn't sealed well and he'd spent far longer hiding in far smaller spaces than this.

"Push me down," Tjelvar breathed, dragging his mouth down the side of Ed's neck. His tusks looked smooth and sharp and stark white, so clearly weapons of bone against Edward's tan skin.

Edward made a sound- some sort of low growl- that Tjelvar mirrored when he put his hands on Tjelvar's shoulders and gave him a rough shove backwards.

Tjelvar bounced faintly on the bed with the impact, and let out a faint whimper when Ed dove down on top of him, slipping between his spread legs and laying his body flush against his.

"Wait, so who's catching?" Edward asked, pushing himself slightly up. "And do you wanna get up to get undressed? Don't wanna elbow you by accident again."

Tjelvar laughed and gently pushed him up, so they could both stand and start undressing. Carter tried not to stare at the taut fronts of their trousers. Then he remembered he was hidden in a wardrobe and nobody knew what he was looking at, there was no need for propriety or to pretend he wasn't looking.

He looked.

Keeping his breathing quiet was getting more difficult. His head seemed to be spinning. He gritted his teeth and pressed the heel of his hand to the front of his own trousers, as if he could smooth his own need away.  _ Didn't realize I was such a voyeur _ . It didn't come as a surprise though- discovering new kinks was old hat by now. It was a bit surprising that he hadn't ended up in this situation before, though, for the sheer amount of time he spent sneaking around and seeing while being unseen.

"You can, if you want," Tjelvar said, going to the dresser and picking up the jar of what Carter had thought was hair oil. It was clearly not about to be used on hair.

"Tomorrow I'll do you, then," Ed said happily, pulling the ties of his trousers and stepping out of them.

Carter realized he had no tan lines, and went a bit fuzzy for a moment. Then his gaze settled on his cock, and forgot about- well, everything. He did remember to keep quiet, purely out of years of habit and instinct, as he ground his hand hard against his own cock.

Of course the rich pretty sunshine boy got a big dick to go with the rest of the package.

He didn't get a clear look at Tjelvar's cock, as the moment he got his pants off, Ed put his hands flat on his chest and shoved him back down on the bed. Tjelvar's hands came up to settle on the dip of his waist, but Ed grabbed his hands and pinned them to the bed beside his head.

"Yes, just like that," Tjelvar hissed, putting one foot on the bed with his knee bent up by Ed's hip, and wrapping the other behind his leg impatiently.

Ed silenced him with a searing kiss, and Carter swallowed, watching the polite paladin settle against Tjelvar, settle into the bed, settle into a more greedy, carnal persona as he flexed his hips and ass to grind their cocks together.

"I- I want you to prep me," Ed murmured shakily.

"I'd love to. Need my hands, though," Tjelvar said, breaking off with a high moan as Ed did something with his mouth against his ear.

"Oh. Right," Ed laughed, letting go of his hands and passing him the oil jar.

"Here, put your knees a bit wider," Tjelvar said, tapping his hip. They shuffled a bit, Ed scooting further up to straddle his waist and Tjelvar putting his feet flat on the bed, knees up behind Ed.

Carter huffed a silent breath of irritation- because of the angle, he couldn't see Tjelvar's cock. He burned with curiosity and his own ignited lust, and wondered if he could get himself off silently in the wardrobe. He ran his fingers over his bare stomach just above the waist of his trousers, but didn't dip beneath the fabric. With the little blood left in his brain, he decided he would wait- to keep from making noise. And... he had a nagging sense that he didn't want to go early, before they did. For some reason, it felt important he not come before they did, like he wanted to keep up with them, and he did admittedly have a bit of a tendency to go a little sooner than most. 

("Hair trigger," Barnes always laughed at him, which was frankly an exaggeration. He would hardly be made to feel ashamed of feeling pleasure with more acuteness and rapidity than some, and really, as long as he came, who cared how long it took? Really, he was the winner here, he was the first to the cake and that was fine by him. Dragging it out just meant needing more lotion or oil, more time, less quickies.)

He couldn't see what Tjelvar was doing to him, but he could see Edwards's face and reactions. His mouth dropped open and eyes snapped shut, and he leaned lower over Tjelvar, ass up and shoulders down. Tjelvar didn't miss the opportunity to tilt his chin up and seize his lips with his own, and whatever he was doing with his fingers in his ass or his tongue in his mouth was making Edward make lots of soft noises, alternating between pushing his hips back against his hand and grinding them down to drag his cock against the planes of dark grey skin and curling black chest hair. He was drooling precum on him, but Tjelvar didn't seem to mind.

Carter had to put both hands up at his sternum and clench them into fists to keep from touching his own raging erection. He leaned back a bit, careful not to rattle the clothing hung behind him, but genuinely fearful his cock would nudge the doors and either open it or make him come at any contact at all. He felt a drop of sweat run down his back.

When Ed had to break the kiss to just pant into Tjelvar's ear, fucking himself harder back into his fingers, Tjelvar pressed a loud smack of a kiss to his cheek.

"I think we're about there, now. You still want to ride me, or do you want me to flip over and do the work?"

"No, I can stay here," Ed gasped, hands clenching and flexing from where they were supporting himself on the bed. "Don't wanna break this bed. Like last time you fucked me like that."

"I can try not to," Tjelvar said sweetly.

"Don't want you holding back on me like that. I'll just- here." Edward pushed himself to sit up, kneeling over Tjelvar's torso, and licked his own hand.

"Oil's right there," Tjelvar pointed out.

"Like it better a little dry," Edward said, scooting back more on his knees until he was above Tjelvar's cock. He reached down with his spit slick hand and wrapped his fingers around it, pumping it a few times.

Tjelvar sighed and thrust his hips up into his grip, putting his hands back on Ed's hips.

"Eddie- please," Tjelvar finally said, starting to squirm a bit.

"You haven't ridged yet," Ed said petulantly.

_ Haven't what? _ Carter wondered. He remembered suddenly- right, Tjelvar was an orc, and other races didn't always have their bits the same as humans. The bad angle he was at was suddenly infuriating.

"I will when I'm in," Tjelvar said.

"You'd better," Ed rumbled, looking down at him with a haughty expression. Tjelvar let out a shaky breath.

Carter's mouth mirrored Ed's as he sank down, open and reverent and wanton. The tremors wracking his thighs were visible even from the wardrobe, or perhaps he was just laser focused. Carter could feel his pulse impatiently keeping time in his chest, his throat, his cock as Edward slowly took Tjelvar into himself.

"Don't. Move," Ed ground out, gritting his teeth as he finally met his hips, full to the hilt.

"Likewise. Gods, you're tight. I should've-"

"'M perfect. You did perfect," Ed said. Tjelvar petted his thighs absentmindedly, looking very focused on restraining himself.

"You're just to tight-" Edward raised his brows and seemed to do something Carter couldn't see (though it wasn't hard to figure out what, as he was no stranger to any of this) and Tjelvar gasped hard, hands scrabbling at his thighs. Ed flattened his palms on his chest, keeping him still, and he whimpered, thumping his head back against the bed.

"There it is," Ed said happily. Tjelvar's voice had gone thin and desperate.

"Ed, Ed, Eddie, please, my love, please, oh gods," he pleaded. Carter's eyes were wide and he swallowed. This was so frustrating. He didn't know what had just happened there, but Tjelvar had lost all composure and continued to beg and gasp, looking all to the world like he was going to explode or die or genuinely start sobbing.

"You want me to ride you? Want me to get myself off on your cock? You think you can keep from going off till I do? Don't want you going soft before I'm done with you."

Tjelvar bared his teeth, the cords of his neck and chest standing out, and took a few breaths. Then he nodded.

"You sure?" Ed asked more gently, his stern facade breaking slightly.

"Yes," Tjelvar said. "Now use me. Hard."

Ed didn't comply.

Instead, he flattened a hand on Tjelvar's chest and leaned low and close, suddenly, the movement sharp and startling.

"I am giving the orders here. I decide how this goes, and you just- you just gotta lie back and  _ take it _ ." He pinned his hands beside his head and nipped his neck, drawing a whimper from Tjelvar. "You might wanna hold on."

Carter nearly opened his mouth to point out that Tjelvar couldn't exactly hold on to anything, with Ed holding his hands trapped to the bed, gripping his wrists. Luckily, by this point, he'd had to put his teeth in the meat of his thumb for fear of making noise- or saying something stupid like  _ he can't hold on cos you've got his hands, dummy. _ In his own defense, he had very little blood left in his brain and probably not much of that was oxygenated. The wardrobe was very hot.

He watched Ed ride Tjelvar, all bronze skin-loved skin wrapped thick and supple over broad muscle. There was something stunningly, stupefyingly, salivatingly  _ athlete _ about him. Carter could've easily believed he was Apollo himself, the god gone flesh, carefully crafted into the epitome of perfect strength, bulky but leonine, functional beautiful muscular power. And that was  _ before _ he started glowing.

Carter felt a drip of saliva run down his wrist when he realized. Edward was glowing.

Literally glowing.

Carter burned to know- was that apollo sunlight? If so, was there heat to go along with the light? (Could one get sunburn from Edward when he was glowing from a good fuck?)

He also just. Burned. Kept one hand in his mouth, the other pressed flat to his collar as if grounding himself, holding himself in place.

Tjelvar was making the most carnal noises, while still looking absolutely wrecked and at Edward's mercy - head thrown back, mouth wide, eyes either tight shut or open and pleading, hands pinned. Even with his hands out of the game, he had his feet flat, knees up, and a shimmery slick layer of sweat highlighted the muscles that worked to drive his prick hard into Ed, meeting the rise and fall of Ed's smooth gyrations.

The smoothness was going, though, and he was bending lower over Tjelvar, bouncing his ass quickly, Edward's own mouth twisted in a snarl as he chased his pleasure.

"I'm- Tjel, oh, oh,  _ Tjellll-! _ " Ed wailed, his whole body flexing (his hands were already gripping Tjelvar's wrists so hard, now they were positively brutal- another flood of heat rushed over Carter at the thought of the bruises Tjelvar would surely have) and lighting up even brighter as he came, his rough humping thrusts changing to a slow grind as he painted Tjelvar's stomach with his spend. The light didn't hurt Carter's eyes, though- it was a backwards sort of brilliance that was impossible to look away from, though the sheer brightness should've caused the opposite reaction.

Tjelvar sank his teeth into his own lip and made a muffled keening noise as he fucked up into Ed, the stutter of his hips and rolling tension going through his own muscles showing that he was coming as well- there were literal tears running down the sides of his face, and again Carter was in wonder and awe at whatever orc biology was, because it seemed like he was writhing and riding his orgasm for ages.

Finally, when Ed had caught his breath, and Tjelvar finally slumped back into the sheets, Edward dipped to slowly, lovingly kiss Tjelvar on the mouth, lazily making out as their bodies cooled.

"I'm gonna just- I wanna clean us up," Ed said softly. Tjelvar nodded, and Ed carefully slid off him and stood, wobbling for a moment.

Carter finally got an eyeful of Tjelvar's cock, but spent and soft, it looked just like his- except his wasn't spent or soft, it was throbbing like a broken tooth, and he could barely think about it because he felt so needy and edged up and tense and desperate that he felt he could almost come untouched, just by thought-

Edward returned with a cloth and cleaned them off, a slow process with lots of kisses and murmured words of love and affection, checking in and smiling and laughing a little. Finally, Edward slid into bed beside him, and Tjelvar turned to lie half over his chest. They pulled the sheets up, and in a few minutes, were breathing regularly, slowly.

Carter had to watch for a long while before he was sure. He was so hard and needy that he was almost drunk, almost like tunnel vision.

Luckily, this wasn't his first experience being properly sneaky with a raging hard on, and he was able to soundlessly open the wardrobe, step out, close it, cross the room, and escape out the door. He didn't even think about the loot, the original purpose of his escapade.

He went right to his room, closing the door and leaning his head on the wood. He breathed out, and then, still leaning on the door, fumbled to open his trousers. He didn't even have the patience to go further in the room, he just needed- he  _ needed _ -

"Where've you been?"

Carter jumped and whirled. Barnes stood there, arms crossed, brows slowly going up and up and up as he took in the sight Carter was- trouser front dark with the near constant drip of pre he'd had for the entire duration of the wardrobe time, half unlaced, one hand already shoved down them impatiently. His other hand had a dagger suddenly in it, held up and ready.

"There's a joke to be made about being armed here," he said dryly.

"Which would you rather, me pull the knife, or pull me?" Carter supplied.

"I was thinking more of a threat. Like, 'I'm gonna stick you with  _ one _ of these."

Carter laughed, and the corners of Barnes's mouth twitched.

"I'm going to tell everyone you made a pun. A  _ sexual _ pun," he threatened.

"Speaking of," he gestured at Carter's lower torso with a grimace, "what… why?"

"I was…" the stark memory of what he’d seen played out behind his eyes again, the expression on Ed’s face in the throes of orgasm, Tjelvar snarling and pounding him through it, and swallowed hard, knees almost going out from under himself. “Uh.”

Barnes waited.

“Look, I can’t- I can barely- I need-”

Barnes was shaking his head slowly, grinning wryly. “It sure got you in a state, whatever it was. Anything I can do?” Carter nodded frantically, shoving the knife back in his belt and standing at attention.

“Please,” he said, just once, with feeling.

“Right. You can take care of yourself- pretty sure you’d just go off at a single touch from me, if past experience is anything to go by- but you can come on me. Any way you’d like.”

“On your chest,” Carter breathed.

Fingers working the buttons of his shirt, Barnes walked backward to the bed, watching Carter. “Don’t you come until I say. Undress. Completely.”

Carter swallowed again and nodded, taking off his clothes quickly, not bothering with his shirt buttons and just pulling it over his head. He thought he heard a button pop as he twisted out of it, yanking it over his shoulders. He didn’t care. His attention was wholly captivated by his need. He’d been in this state. So hard. For so long. He had nothing left, no ability to think of anything else- just being in his body, hot and desperate. Throbbing. Breathing. Pulsing.

Barnes took pity on him and didn’t drag it out, leaving his boots and trousers on, but baring his torso entirely. He sat on the end of the bed. “Here.” Carter hurried forward, letting Barnes put his hands on his hips and guide him forward to straddle him. The old commander laid back and pulled Carter forward, till he was lying on the bed and Carter was kneeling over his hips.

“Pull yourself off. On me,” he whispered, arching his back a little so his low stomach brushed Carter’s cock and balls, inviting him to rut against him. Carter jumped slightly at the contact, finally touch, skin, warmth, friction- he needed it. He  _ needed _ .

He was already so close. He wrapped his hand around his length and slid his knees wider so his balls and taint dragged over Barnes’s skin.

Everything finally went white and black and sparking, shaking, tense and snapping as he came in moments, hunching over himself and whimpering as he painted over Barnes’s chest, the feel of his own lover between his legs and the memory of all that pleasure he’d seen dragging the orgasm out long, pent up and begging, all coming to a peak and coming loose and just coming and coming.

When it finally faded from his limbs, he kept his hand loosely wrapped around his cock, oversensitive but almost still needy, despite how hard he'd spent.

Barnes was stroking his hips, a little smile on his lips that was both affectionate and smirking. "C'mere." Carter obediently leaned down and kissed him, slowly, lovingly, the urgency finally gone.

"Scoot. I wanna clean myself up."

"Anything you want?" Carter offered muzzily, kissing his forehead before sitting up.

"Not right now. I'm burning to know what on earth had you so skittish and wound up."

"Well…"

"Clean up first, story second," Barnes reminded him, and he swung his leg over to let him get up, reclining back on the bed with a content sigh. He caught the cloth Barnes chucked at him easily, despite his eyes being closed.

"Hell for me, but I do love my sneak thief," Barnes grumbled, changing into soft pants to slide into bed beside his lover. "So what happened, then?"

"Well. I was going to- I was. Er." Barnes raised a brow at him, and he huffed, rolling his eyes. "Fine, I was in Edward's room. The apollo paladin. His family- his father is a Duke, and I was… just making sure he wasn't secretly evil."

"You were looking for things to steal."

"Maybe I heard a child crying for help and ran in to save them."

"Did you?"

"Well- no."

Barnes snorted, but gestured for him to get on with the story.

By the time he was done, Barnes had wrapped his arms and legs around his arm and his pupils were blown, and he shivered and nodded when Carter asked if he could take him in his mouth.

"Do you know anything about orc biology?"

"Yeah, why?"

"After you come, I'd really like to ride you," he breathed, biting at the generous fleshy inside of Barnes's thigh. "While you explain it to me."

Barnes started to reply, but Carter made his words come to a choking halt as he followed the scent and slick of arousal, just as turned on by the story as Carter himself had been.

-

"Is there something in the water tonight, or what?" Zolf said irritably as the sounds down the hall got louder. Oscar hummed a silencing spell to drop around their room, and shrugged.

"Didn't realize things were gonna keep going for so long, or I would've done that earlier," Wilde said by way of apology.

"Maybe it was the pie. Sailors said cherries do that to some folks. Aphrodisiacs or some shit."

"Mmm, I don't know about that. I would bet Carter just got randy from the sounds and that set each other off. Some horny eavesdropping feedback loop."

"You think so?"

"I mean. I find it a bit scintillating," Oscar admitted with a little smile. Zolf frowned and slid his leg over under the sheets to check.

"Gods. You all are ridiculous."

"I'll just g-"

"Hang on, I'm- I mean. You're not… I might understand a little."

"Is that so?"

"Don't be an ass, do you wanna stay and get off with me or not?"

**Author's Note:**

> WHAT WAS IN THAT PIE, ZOLF?!


End file.
